vs.

I never know anymore. I never know how I feel and if I do I have a hard time figuring out why I feel a certain way. I am a hazard to myself and to others. For too short a time I was doing the right things. Growing from the old maria into the maria I wanted to become. The old maria must feel threatened by the new maria and so she suffocates her in the night and she is lost over and over again. Like a life saving scar. Until there are so many scars that the body becomes ugly and although the life is saved the scars are only reminders of how much work was needed to keep that person alive. And that person doesn't appreciate it so there are more scars. The only hope is that the creator can salvage what's left of someone who once had so much potential.

A toy gun, Likki Li, and a Starving Artist.

Its one of those moments, or days, or weeks where I miss everything.
Instead, blog, I'm going to tell you about my day. Last night I was sucked into the vacuum that is facebook which resulted in me being sucked of any happiness I had been experiencing here. Not all was lost though. I felt bad afterward, looked around my little barn shaped, wannabe parisian room and realized that being sad meant being unthankful to my parents. So I went downstairs hoping that my Dad was still awake. I woke him up anyway and asked him if we could wake up early and make 'deep fried eggs.' 'Deep fried eggs' actually meant 'I love you'. My dad. He irons bread, deep fries eggs, and cries at a commercial. So this morning I woke up at 6:30 and stood in the kitched while my dad made breakfast. A 5 year old girl, in a 23 year old's body. They were the best eggs of my life.
Work was frustrating.
I came home and made myself a Jack and Coke. Listened to a really great mixed cd and painted a sea horse. Because we never think about sea horses. They are beautiful and little and mate for life and dance in the mornings and make musical sounds when they make love because love is music and they fit inside a teacup. I painted it on the back of a canvas I had already painted on. Years ago artists would do this when they didn't have enough money to by another canvas, this is where the term starving artist came from. I let myself starve tonight so I could be a literal starving artist. Except that I'm not really an artist. Maybe when you're starving you become an artist and thats how you relieve your hunger.
And I discovered Tobias Wong and wished I had known of him earlier because who thinks of putting a diamond upside down in an engagement ring? Or lighting up a chair? Or making a sun jar? Or a puzzle made from a mirror? All you have to do is move the mirror and it becomes a new puzzle.