5 hours?

i'm officially a blogger? ok.
this might perhaps be my new outlet. a tiny little place where i can say everything i want that i say i don't want anyone to see, but want everyone to see. maybe its a note that i pass to you secretly.
tonight we talked to haley. all night! it was like having her home again. we sat in the living room, we cooked in the kitchen. we laughed together, and took pictures together. haley cried a couple times. and i wanted to cry too but i laughed instead. to make her laugh too. i was hoping my laugh would be her bandaid.

here is something i wrote.

i'm stand there, talking there
my mouth is here, but my heart is there.
my back is to the door
but i know just when its you
to anyone else its nothing
but your faint smell, it holds me
electric charges, you shock me
i'm left in the wetness of my sadness
after the slow motion goodbye
this cant be for us, this is not for us
the day you leave, we die
there's no place this could have ended right
what hurt me, it owns me
from what you said that night
we walked through that maze
but you no longer offered to help me
and i tripped but not in a way you could see
i wanted you to know but kept it as a secret
but from who?
was it me? or just you?
your explanation attatched itself to me
like leeches to my blood
attacking my vital organs, just to feed you.


i had alot of different feelings tonight. one of them of course, that i missed haley. more than she knows. i liked who i was when haley was around. not that i was different, but she makes me feel likable. i also felt...excited for being young and single. and having things in perspective. knowing that i am at a place where i CAN do what i want. i just have to make it happen. even if its not easy. i felt greatful for my friends. and bound determined to make things good for me. very simple. just make things good for me. spirtuality. health. family. friends. that is not listed from most important to least important. i mean, obviously spirituality comes first. but. health, family, and friends. they are all interelated. my family are my friends, my friends are my family. my friends and family are my health.

i love you all so much. even though i know most of you won't read this. this is still here for you to know that i love you. so. much.