maria- n. (ma ree-ah) a girl torn in two.

this is really difficult. and i can't even find the words to describe this inner war. so many mixed emotions colliding and all my words to tell you about it are lost in the dust. i just got done revising my resumes and putting them in important looking manila envelopes, signing my name to a new life when i give it to them. i feel like i'm just a girl watching me do this. i DON'T know how i feel about it. its nice to be home visiting, its nice to be with sammie doing ugly ballet moves, and having her ask me if i've 'ever been in that place?' and eating komquats, and drinking tea out of a real japanese kettle. and its nice to laugh at my filipino family, and take half an hour just to get a picture with all the kids in it, and look at how cute my grandma is. and its nice to make my mom and dad feel good.
even still.
i don't know where my home is.
even worse.
i don't know where my happiness is.
but worst of all.
i used to know.

she always

gives her heart to the ones that can't hold a beat.