Ballooning.

Tonight is painful. And when I think about this blog that I have, I'm sorry for those of you who read it. Its a sack clothe of tears. Maybe because, I have nowhere else to hide them.
Tonight I miss you. Do I miss you? Or do I miss what I gave to you? Do I miss what you took from me?
You live in the hills with your money and comfort. I live in the trees with my cold and my hunger.

trapeze artist.

i just had this thought today, riding in the backseat of the car. what a beautiful illustration lies in a trapeze artist. and love. lets all be honest with ourselves. don't we all think about this all the time? its how we're made. we are looking for our partner. the one we jump to. the one we hold on to. the one we trust. love is a circus. its bravery and beautiful, and ridiculous. its made of so many uncommon and common things. its all for show. for pride, in ourselves and for others.
i am on the tight rope. or at least my words always are. words, feelings, they are one in the same. balancing my words on those crisp lines, with my death just beneath me. its just to impress you. to make it to the other side, with hope as my safety net. who are you in the circus?
i would pay money to see that show.

i.am.

so. pissed. at. you.

i'm a bum in your city (!)

take me to the city
when the evil is out
dress me in black
so i can let your light out
its glittering and glistening
you're shouting and i'm listening
you're grabbing my wrist
and kissing me hard
i'm walking with my feet
but you're leading in my heart
and then we're off and running
but you're above me and stunning
in this motion they call loving
and we get tangled up in beaded lights
when we're kissing against inner fights
but at least we're in the city
where its dark and you can feel me
and you can whisper just to heal me
cause my body won't forgive me
we measure what we have by sky scrapers
and call the commoners the messed up haters
but if you're the city, i'm your sloppy bum
stealing someone's change so i can give you some

faces are for books! not facebook.

I'd like to draw a bigger circle with the word facebook inside, and then a line through it. we're fighting. I have this love/hate relationship with it. Stupid facebook, you waste all my time, and break my heart.
I like this blog page better. It's out there, but not so out there. I love secrets, and this is the secret room, hidden in a closet, that I play in, in this internet childhood of mine.
I've been thinking about my life lately. And wondering how things will end up. What should I do next? How do I do it? I think about going to Sweden. I think about making closer friends so I can go to wherever they are. I think about my job. Everyday I walk in there and know its not what I want to do. But does that matter really? I was meant to be a journalist. To travel and ask questions and write. But why do I have to be a journalist to do that? I can just do it. I am always watching people and wondering about their lives. I want to carry a little notepad and ask them about their day, take a picture of them with a polaroid camera, and then write their story. My most beautiful cosmetic would be ink stains on my fingers from writing and reading and reviewing. Tears, triumphs, and battles all smudged into the tips of my fingers.
All I really want is for you to read what I write.
My life right now is a wrestling with, well, life. So now I'm going to sleep, because I'm tired from thinking, and hoping, and praying, and breathing with a ton of bricks on my chest. But slowly, my weight is and will become lighter. And instead of trudging, I'll be running and laughing, and crying, but just because I'm happy.
Good night with castles in the air.

enough.

its time to be happy now.

It's been a long time coming.

I have a date with a bottle of wine tonight. It knows me like no other.
I have to write here because if I don't my words will end up where they don't belong. A note slipped under your door while you're sleeping. You'll think I'm gone but I'm just crying in my car.
How can I describe things? You're the sun I orbit around. I lost my gravity, and now where am I? I'm off course and colliding through unfamiliar masses. I'm somewhere I don't belong at speeds I can't handle. It's too hot close to you.
Its something I have tethered, and something that leaves me weathered. Its all the natural elements I'm made of and you're all the ones in climates I've never lived in. But I bear up against them, I tough it out. I ride out, I rise above. I have to.
I'm a moth to light! A rodent to rat poison! A girl with a crush, who wants to crush and be crushed. I'm a secret talent. I want to be the exhale. Not just a breath out but a relief. I'm the strings on the instrument, plucked and slid across to make a melody and a story or just showed off. I'm the punctuation that conveys emotion. I want to be final. I want to be a culture that those people know and the others admire. I want to be the candle lit beneath your face to give you a beautiful glow. Your wine stained lips after a night of talking and laughing and learning and love. Even the signature on your tab when the night is done, folded in your pocket for records to keep living. Its the curiosity that killed the cat and the 9 lives after. I wanna be the dream you have where you wake up disturbed but hoping it picks up again. Its dark and dirty and smoky. I want to be the alias that keeps your identity secret. I want to be seen and all encompassing. And that blinking line while you're thinking.
It was too much.

big shot.

"i was a little girl, following you around

waiting til it was dark, before i made a sound

you're in the background, but i am too

maybe thats how i found you

lots of gasoline, lots of time with me

but not until we weren't face to face

so i could say what i wanted with a screen between

because, what if? so i wedged us, just in case

but everyday, sometimes every hour

i saw something like a red, neon sign

for me! but all it read to me was

i can't be yours, and you can't be mine

cause who does this happen to? definitely not me, does it happen to you?

so like that sign, i turn red and radiate

and even get coffee, come in early, and stay in late

i told you little things, with hopes even i didn't know

to create something big, bigger than us both

cause maybe if you believed, the way i believe

well, only just maybe

if only, i thought, i could go to the store and buy a bottle of you

well, maybe then, i could change my view

and this went on for longer than i thought

and you still don't know, how much i really bought

depths and debt, i still pay now!

depths and debt, your clear eyes made me blind somehow

i remember it now as black and white and smoky

tucked away in a drawer on top and to the right

with my biggest regret of rejecting you

you know, that one night

you asked me. no, told me. wait, showed me

but i was strong and resilliant

hoping to show you something true from within me

but you still beat it because

you are always brilliant

yeah, i know i choked

you didn't laugh, but somehow

i ended up the joke."

too long.

i think about this page alot. this blogspot waiting for me to unveil things, free my cramped thoughts into the wave lengths between you and me, whoever it is that reads this. haley? sofi? me. maybe its even a way to see myself.

_____________________________

i asked my dad this weekend how he stayed with the truth since it wasn't enforced in his family. he said he just always knew. even when he was little. his mom would sometimes make him go to meetings, other times she wouldn't. the night she did try to make him go when he didn't want to, he said 'as soon as she pulled out of the drive way, i cried'.

thats why i love my dad. what a good hearted man.

Girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

This font will do tonight. :)
actually, i always like this one better. it's like an old type writer. and sometimes i wish we still used old type writers. then again, whats stopping me from using an old type writer?
anyway. tonight i fell in love with something. i played with a kaleidoscope. and this time, it had a whole new FEEL to it. i remember when i was a kid, i didn't think much about it, played with it, moved on. tonight...i felt...look at what i have been missing out on all these years! if i was a free lance writer. i would write a piece comparing love to a kaleidoscope. it has all these complicated patterns. you hold it, and turn it, to make it beautiful. you see it better in the light. and something else, it brings, innocent, childlike happiness. this is what i imagine love might be like. it is the manifestation of your individual feelings reflecting off the mirrors that are the person you love. looking into a kaleidoscope is catching a glance at being in love. everyone should have it. everyone should have you.

5 hours?

i'm officially a blogger? ok.
this might perhaps be my new outlet. a tiny little place where i can say everything i want that i say i don't want anyone to see, but want everyone to see. maybe its a note that i pass to you secretly.
tonight we talked to haley. all night! it was like having her home again. we sat in the living room, we cooked in the kitchen. we laughed together, and took pictures together. haley cried a couple times. and i wanted to cry too but i laughed instead. to make her laugh too. i was hoping my laugh would be her bandaid.

here is something i wrote.

i'm stand there, talking there
my mouth is here, but my heart is there.
my back is to the door
but i know just when its you
to anyone else its nothing
but your faint smell, it holds me
electric charges, you shock me
i'm left in the wetness of my sadness
after the slow motion goodbye
this cant be for us, this is not for us
the day you leave, we die
there's no place this could have ended right
what hurt me, it owns me
from what you said that night
we walked through that maze
but you no longer offered to help me
and i tripped but not in a way you could see
i wanted you to know but kept it as a secret
but from who?
was it me? or just you?
your explanation attatched itself to me
like leeches to my blood
attacking my vital organs, just to feed you.


i had alot of different feelings tonight. one of them of course, that i missed haley. more than she knows. i liked who i was when haley was around. not that i was different, but she makes me feel likable. i also felt...excited for being young and single. and having things in perspective. knowing that i am at a place where i CAN do what i want. i just have to make it happen. even if its not easy. i felt greatful for my friends. and bound determined to make things good for me. very simple. just make things good for me. spirtuality. health. family. friends. that is not listed from most important to least important. i mean, obviously spirituality comes first. but. health, family, and friends. they are all interelated. my family are my friends, my friends are my family. my friends and family are my health.

i love you all so much. even though i know most of you won't read this. this is still here for you to know that i love you. so. much.

for marizzle

this is haley

i have created this masterpiece for maria to use for her writings because she is that great. 

love you maria!