where is my mind?

You wouldn't believe it, I'm writing this from the house I grew up in. Everything is the same and different. This just kind of...happened. I can't stop looking around. I don't know if I'm looking at something, or looking for something, but all the same, I can't stop looking. Everything in this house is just as my life as always been. A little off, a little crooked. Everything is dusty and misplaced, like it hasn't moved since I left. I find myself wiping the dust, straightening the pictures on the walls, moving a lamp here and then there. And I can't help but think that I'm not fixing the house so much as I am fixing myself. Wiping my tears, straightening my thinking, moving my heart here and then there, trying to turn it on and shine it on the positves of being here. I am trying. I don't want to be the one she knows as wallowing in self pity, because how can you wallow if you yourself created the water hole? I would more readily ask that they cry their tears into this certain place, so that I can contain them, scoop them up in a bucket and taste the salty tears and swallow their pain.
For the first time, in a long time, the only thing I know to do is pray. I spit out the words creating a mist that coats everything it touches with my apologies, and quietly hope that if you can't see it, maybe you can feel it.

maria- n. (ma ree-ah) a girl torn in two.

this is really difficult. and i can't even find the words to describe this inner war. so many mixed emotions colliding and all my words to tell you about it are lost in the dust. i just got done revising my resumes and putting them in important looking manila envelopes, signing my name to a new life when i give it to them. i feel like i'm just a girl watching me do this. i DON'T know how i feel about it. its nice to be home visiting, its nice to be with sammie doing ugly ballet moves, and having her ask me if i've 'ever been in that place?' and eating komquats, and drinking tea out of a real japanese kettle. and its nice to laugh at my filipino family, and take half an hour just to get a picture with all the kids in it, and look at how cute my grandma is. and its nice to make my mom and dad feel good.
even still.
i don't know where my home is.
even worse.
i don't know where my happiness is.
but worst of all.
i used to know.

she always

gives her heart to the ones that can't hold a beat.

i write. and write. and write.

Standing there for a moment, taking in the scenery like a city skyline, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by celebrity. To be completely honest with you, most times I feel like I know a little more than the girls that sit in my chair. I can’t help but think that these models and actresses don’t know what its like to lay bricks to build houses, they simply live in the brick houses, as if its almost assumed that mansions were made for them. I sound bitter when I say that I have no control over anything in my life. The coffee stains, the paper cuts, my dog pooping in the house, my parents divorce, my love life, or lack there of, all these things have control over me. But this, this woman, this chair, these brushes, this paint (make-up), this is what I have control over. When I can’t make my life beautiful, I make faces beautiful. I can’t do much, but maybe I feel like if I can make a face pretty I can make a heart pretty. But who? Them or me?
Something was different about Gabrielle though. If she is the skyline I couldn’t help but see her light that was out. I guess that’s what I do. It wasn’t so much her look that was sad as much as her fidgetting hands, and quick glances behind her like she was hoping for a surprise that hasn’t come yet. At first I didn’t know what to do. Normally I am all business, no talk. I change you. So I stood there for a minute. Usually at this point I am assessing bone structure, where I’ll highlight, where I’ll contour. This time I was assessing I was assessing heart structure. And something seemed broken. So I started. I hid the tears with concealer, I used pinks to soften the figurative bruises, I used pearly whites to light her up from within. You know when you’re a kid and you ride in the backseat and you look in all the windows of the homes, even as a child you see the cozy ones, the cold ones, the ones who aren’t home. She might be a celebrity among us make up artists, but everyone got caught up in competing with who could make her lips pout the most, who could coat on so much mascara she batted her eyes just to keep them open, and who could get her hair to fall into her eyes at just the right bounce in her step to make men and women dab themselves with their hanky. When I was done, Gabrielle looked like someone was home. It was then, when I stepped back to look, that Gabrielle invited me in.

left handed guitar.

I cry almost everytime I see your picture.

screen play.

tonight i'm starting a screen play. maybe a book/screen play. sammie approached me with the idea. she makes me feel like i can do it, and that she is counting on me to write it. and since i can keep everyone's secrets but my own, i had to post that i am working on this. this is a secret exploration for me. just what will i come up with? tonight it is me, a god father, gabrielle hudson, jill, and.....reid. because i don't know anyone named reid. its going to be nice to meet them. and make them.
time to play with a screenplay. :)

Ballooning.

Tonight is painful. And when I think about this blog that I have, I'm sorry for those of you who read it. Its a sack clothe of tears. Maybe because, I have nowhere else to hide them.
Tonight I miss you. Do I miss you? Or do I miss what I gave to you? Do I miss what you took from me?
You live in the hills with your money and comfort. I live in the trees with my cold and my hunger.